Day Dreaming & Star Gazing

I stayed up all night watching Perks of Being a Wallflower and doing AP French homework. But when I had to wake up for school, I instantly regretted it. I knew it was going to be a writing day. All I could think about was the movie. And then I thought well, what are the perks of being a wallflower? But that was yesterday, school kicked my ass and I didn’t have a chance to think about the important subject of the day. But now, as I’m walking through suburbia and procrastinating, the question popped in my head again. During the movie, I felt a lot like Charlie (I’m sure everyone says that). But seriously, I sit with people at lunch but I might as well just sit alone. I barely interact with people and I feel as if I don’t have any real friends anymore. Sure I talk to people in school but I just stay in my house on my computer all weekend. And I’m definitely not happy. I just hated walking around in a bad mood all the time, it just made me mad and bitter. So I guess I became numb. I don’t know. It sounds depressing but I swear it’s not as bad as it sounds. My numb state is like - I won’t let anything get to me and I’ll just act happy all the time. I’m just trying to make it to graduation without ruining my mental state. It’s already been through enough mental breakdowns (including one right now). But I’ve had all my sad Charlie moments. When do I become a wallflower? When will I have the well-earned perks? Why didn’t I get my invitation to the land of misfit toys yet? I just want to be genuinely happy. Of course I still am happy sometimes. But for one day, one moment at least, I want to feel infinite. I still haven’t discovered the perks yet. Or is that it? Feeling infinite? Oh God, I hope so. I’ll find my tunnel song and the perks of being…well, me. And maybe, finally, I can feel infinite.

So, I didn’t have the best day today. Actually, it was an awful day. I feel like such a baby for what I’m really upset about and I’ve literally been crying since I got home at 6. I tried to lay in my bed and just cry but I knew I had a lot of shit to do and I couldn’t go to school the next day with a swollen face. So I just laid there and watch the minutes on my clock switch. And I though, God I wish the world would just stop right now. So I could spend all the time I needed to sulk and then go right back into the daily grind, no problem. But that’s the thing about needing sulking time. The world just goes on. And you try to move and get up but you can’t. And you feel like you need to lie in your bed forever or at least until you heal. But you can’t. The sun will go down, the moon will come out, and time goes on. And all you want to do is lay in your bed and cry/scream/sleep, but you can’t. Because time goes on.